Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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