thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
