You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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