If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
