I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
