I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
