dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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