two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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