What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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