Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
