You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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