I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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