I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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