I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
