Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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