I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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