If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
