My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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