Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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