evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
