I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
