i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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