oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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