So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
