if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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