I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize