Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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