Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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