I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
