i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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