Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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