I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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