Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
