you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I touched a dick in church today
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
