I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
