I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
