All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
