Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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