everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
