Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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