I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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