I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
