We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
