Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
