this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just had sex on a roof
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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