my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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