I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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