His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
