I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
