how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
