Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
