She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Drake has all the answers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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